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year 5, quarter 3
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Use your own eyes, and see for yourself which side I'm on.
”Sure.” Celes agreed to wherever he picked because she didn’t have a better idea. She still felt a little in shock if she was telling the truth. Nothing felt quite real in that specific way that only trauma could give. She knew it well.
He led her into a small, quiet place that wasn’t particularly far from where they’d started. It was fine enough, she supposed as he held open the door and she started inside. A little cramped. A little bare. There weren’t many people inside at this time of day which suited them both fine. She’d never liked crowds. They were too conspicuous.
The bartender waved to Caius as a regular then motioned to two stools at the counter. Celes wished he’d pointed them towards a table instead, but she was too awkward to decline now that the offer had been made. She perched awkwardly on the bar stool, hands folded on the counter. She felt exposed with her back turned to everyone else. She also felt like she should probably be talking to the bartender, but she didn’t want to so she didn’t. She’d be Caius’ guest. Guests didn’t have to speak if they didn’t want to.
Except when they asked her what she wanted.
”Oh, um.” Why hadn’t she thought about it before now? She was on the spot now, and she guessed that she was supposed to know alcohol well enough that she wouldn’t need any kind of menu. If there were any, they were probably on the tables. Where she wanted to be.
”Do you...have any wine?”
”Of course we do. What kind?”
”The...fruit kind?”
The bartender laughed. ”I’ll find something. And you?” He was talking to Caius now. Thank the goddesses.
There was a napkin set in front her, and she grabbed it, twisting it between her finger and thumb. She hoped Caius was right about ‘the best way to calm a soul.’ She could really use some calm right now.
”Sorry,” she said once the bartender had left them alone and gone about finding whatever it was she’d ordered. ”I’m still a little tired.”
Celes glanced at Caius as he spoke. It was easy to forget where he’d come from. It was also easy for her to empathize, given her own history, but she’d forgotten the relative length of time in which they’d both lived in ruin. For Celes, it had been less than a year. More so if she counted the time she’d been half-conscious which she didn’t. The whole event had taken its toll on her in a way that she would never be rid of, but Caius had lived in a world like that for much longer, hadn’t he? Half his life? His whole life? She’d forgotten.
”Hm.” Celes watched the flowers as she passed. There was one plant that came up to her hips, marked by a plaque as something from the Perigosa Jungle. It was a vibrant purple with streaks of blue and red. It smelled a little like lilacs. ”My world wasn’t beautiful like this. At least not for me. But there was always something. Or there was until, well. You know.”
He knew better than she did just how precarious peace could be. This new world had become a respite and a refuge for them both. To think that it could fall just as easily…
”You’re right. It’s worth fighting for.”
Wasn’t that sobering? Celes took another long drink of her champagne. It fizzed in her throat.
She listened to the click of her boots, to the swell and fall of distant waves, and of course to Caius. ’Fill her house with the things.’ Celes put a hand over her mouth to hide her laugh. It wasn’t a bad laugh. Just a laugh. She was smiling.
”I’ll keep the garden. You can keep the zoo.” She looked at him, not sure if she was joking or not. ”It’ll be a wonderful place. Full of flowers and chocobos and whatever monsters you think looked cute. Oh, and a waterfall. Why not?”
She gave another small laugh. ”We’ll save up the gil. Then once all this fighting is done, we’ll retire to our true passions. A gardener and a beast tamer.” It was all silly. Absolutely ridiculous. She was meant to have a sword in her hand, and she knew he was married to his work, but it was nice to think about in its own way.
Use your own eyes, and see for yourself which side I'm on.
Jessie was, as she’d warned, a complete novice. Celes was used to men coming in who at least knew how to swing a sword around, no matter how clumsy and overly forceful they might have been. It had been a while since she’d trained someone from scratch, but she found that she didn’t really mind. Jessie was determined, and starting from nothing meant that any progress was good progress. By the time that Jessie called it quits, she’d made good progress.
”Man.” Jessie was panting, and sweat beaded down into her eyes, but she just wiped it away and grinned at her. ”That was intense! But you look like you barely exerted yourself. How long did you train to become as good as you are?”
Celes laughed a little, mostly to buy time as she thought of the right thing to say. ”A while,” she settled on. It was better than the full truth. ’I’ve been in the military since I was a child’ tended to be cause for concern.
”It isn’t easy, but I doubt I need to tell you that.” Celes lowered her practice sword to her side, letting herself fall into a casual stance. ”It takes daily practice. At least for a few years. That’s why I work with the men here more than I actually go out for work myself.” She smiled wryly. ”At least some of them appreciate it.”
Most of them thought that they were more than capable already. But protecting a town from wolves wasn’t exactly the same thing as taking on a situation serious enough that someone was willing to pay for it to be solved. Celes had lost enough soldiers too brash to listen to common sense. Every time, it felt as though the blood was on her hands.
She’d spilled enough blood as it was.
”I don’t suppose you’d want a job? Or any help settling in? I’ve been here a while.”
Caius joined her and they stood quietly for a moment, watching the flowers. He spoke a lot about them. A lot more than she would have expected, but that was the Caius way. She of course could have gone on and on about the life cycle of a rose, the best ways to keep them, the botanical properties of different variants. But she didn’t. She doubted that anyone -- let alone Caius -- would have wanted to hear that.
”You’re a poet,” she said with a small smile. Then she shook her head. ”It’s a garden, Caius, and one meant for rich people. They take care of it because it’s their job.” She sipped her champagne, and though she didn’t quite like it, it wasn’t the worst thing. Certainly better than anything that had been forced on her at most bars or on Setzer’s airship. It was a little dry, a little fruity, a little floral. She wondered if all of the wine was floral here. It would fit the theme.
”Let’s go explore. We have all night.” She tapped the badge that had been passed back to her, smiling dryly. ”And this still has some credits on it. I’d like to use them for all they’re worth.” Might as well get something out of this whole mess, she supposed. And with a night like this, she wouldn’t let anything ruin it for her.
She started into one of the hedge rows, looking up idly at the canopy of overhanging tree branches. They were flowering at this time of year, and as Celes walked past, she saw pink petals flutter down in the wind. The walkway had all kinds of petals tread down by the heels of those passing by. They too would have been beautiful if they hadn’t been ground into the earth.
”People can live like this. With hope.” She sighed, echoing Caius’ thoughts. ”There are plenty of places with gardens. Not all of them have hope.” Still, it was something, wasn’t it? Her roses with Cid. They had smelled like this.
”I never told you I liked flowers, did I?” Celes smirked to herself. She was certain she hadn’t. Why would she? ”We kept some when I was a child. It seemed like there were so many then. It was probably less impressive than I remember.”
She didn’t elaborate on who exactly she meant by “we.” She didn’t want to.
”It’s a bit silly, isn’t it? Someone like me melting over a few roses? My men would never have let me live it down.”
Celes couldn’t tell if she’d made the situation better or not. He was back to being quiet, it seemed. Just a single ’okay’ which was good because it meant he wasn’t making excuses, but it also set her on edge. There was enough tension between them to cut with a knife. Awkward tension. The kind that made her neck prickle in a terrible uncomfortable way. There was a time when she wouldn’t have cared if she’d gone too far, but she hadn’t had anyone to really care for back then.
Celes, the ice queen. Celes, the bitter general. Celes, a rose covered in thorns.
She nodded slowly. ”Okay.” She hoped that he would listen. Please let him listen.
She didn’t have anything else to say after that. It was all already said, and she didn’t know if she could shift the topic. What would she even change it to? ’Well how about that weather?’ In truth, it was a beautiful night. The stars were like scattered pinpricks of light clustered around a moon three quarters full. The air was hot as was the usual, but the night kept it from being overbearingly so. It hadn’t been oppressive since the storm had hit. She supposed that was one good thing about it.
She shifted her weight on her heels. She was starting to regret even trying to look decent. She’d never wanted this.
”How do you think Sabin’s doing?”
”Huh?” Celes looked up at Caius who had, mercifully, taken it on himself to change the subject for her.
”I was surprised he signed up. You think Daisy will be mad?”
”Daisy?” Celes stared at him without understanding. Daisy was...a woman? Who Sabin talked about a lot? ”Like. A girl? With Sabin?” That didn’t sound right. That musclehead was more the type to disappear into the woods for five weeks punching boulders and eating skewered meat. It wasn’t that a woman couldn’t fall for him. He was kind and well-meaning and he had muscles the size of steam trains. But somehow, she’d never considered him being interested in one.
He’d certainly never showed an interest in her or Terra. Maybe they just weren’t his type. Or maybe she was so used to his suave, skirt-chasing brother that Sabin’s more respectful interests had gone under her radar.
Huh.
”I guess he must have been paired with someone too. It’s stupid, but I hadn’t really thought about it. I thought he’d signed up mostly for the free food.” She gave him a sheepish smile. It really did sound stupid when she said it like that.
”I hope he’s having fun.” She took another step forward. ”Though I don’t know how it will affect this Daisy. He didn’t seem like the type to play two women at once. Then again, I suppose it does run in the family…”
Oh Edgar. Why did she miss him again?
They reached the counter and a bartender looked at them expectantly and asked what he could get for them. Despite all the time she’d spent pretending to consider it, she hadn’t even read what they had yet so she just asked for a white wine and he listed three options and she picked the middle one because that felt the least awkward. She unpinned her badge (the stupid, hateful thing) and passed it to him and then he passed her something sparkling in a champagne flute. She took it.
Well wasn’t this fancy?
She stepped to the side and waited beside a wall of rose-laden latticework, and standing there in her corset and heels with her hair curled and a champagne flute in her hand, she could imagine it as a beautiful night -- the kind she could spend in the company of someone charming and kind. The roses were beautiful things -- their petals delicate and a deep wine red. They reminded her of when she was a child. Celes wiped carefully at her eye.
Damn it.
”It’s nice, isn’t it?” she asked once Caius had joined her. ”The garden, I mean.”
Celes honestly had no idea. Of course from the second she’d seen him, she’d known it wouldn’t be the night she’d planned. To be fair, almost nothing likely would have been, and it was just as likely that any strange man who’d thought to spend the evening with her would have left her feeling as on edge as she did now. But this was Caius. It was Caius, her friend, and they were out together with a thousand gil between them at a rose garden. Sure, she was dressed up, and sure she was disappointed, but…
Why did he have to make it so serious?
”I know you didn’t mean to,” he muttered. ”Your words hurt, but I’m not mad at you for taking things the way you did.”
”They did?” Her words hurt him? Well, she hadn’t meant them nicely exactly, but he looked like he’d been slapped. Celes tried to run through everything she’d said again, but couldn’t quite catch all the words. If anything, she remembered pointedly not saying anything when she’d had the chance to be nasty.
Because silence was more of a punishment, she’d thought, but really, what else could she have done? Pat him on the head and reassure him that she knew he didn’t mean a single word he’d ever said?
Of course not. She wouldn’t claim that then and she wouldn’t believe it now.
Because that was just the thing, wasn’t it? Every time that Caius let his tongue slip, it was always because he didn’t know any better. He was awkward. He didn’t know what words meant. He was simply speaking his mind. Yet no matter how many times he tried to explain himself, it all circled back to the same thing. It wasn’t that he didn’t know how to express how he felt. It was what he felt that was the problem.
Why did he appreciate that she’d dressed up? Why did he feel the need to reassure her that she was still her. Of course it was still her. She’d thrown on a corset and curled her hair, and she’d never said that she didn’t feel the same. Was she supposed to be flattered that he thought she could still be courageous and strong-willed and intelligent while she wore a bright shade of lipstick?
Where he’d got the idea that she was “selfless” was beyond her.
”The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you or make you uncomfortable and yet lately it’s all I seem to do. And I hate it.”
Celes let his confession sit. She let it sit for what felt like a long time but wasn’t actually any longer than it took for another couple to pare away with their drinks. She let it sit because she wanted to think and for once not to be blinded by her own impulse reactions. She wanted to know that she wasn’t speaking frivolously. She wanted to know that she wasn’t acting cold. She wanted to know that she was being reasonable.
She didn’t.
”Caius.” She stepped closer towards the counter, carefully holding up her cape so she didn’t step on it. ”You’re my friend. Like Sabin. Or Yuna.”
She tried to imagine being paired up with either of them. Sabin would have taken this all in stride and somehow ensured she’d had a good time even as she’d died of embarrassment. Yuna would have been fun. Obviously not a date, but that was fine. They would have been friends.
Just friends. That was enough.
”Would you act like this with either of them? Yuna? Or Sabin?” Celes looked up and pretended to read the menu. She couldn’t focus on the words. It didn’t matter.
”I can’t just keep ignoring what you say and taking it on good faith that you meant something else. Not when you keep repeating yourself. I told you how I felt, Caius. I told you to stop treating me like I’m...Like I’m special.
”It doesn’t matter if you’re saying how you feel. Because I don’t want you to feel that way. About me.” Celes bit her lip and shoved a ringlet of hair behind her ear. ”Can’t you just stop?”
She felt the shift in a second. One moment, it was just Caius exactly as she’d expect him. The next, it was like a wall of ice stood between them, and he’d straightened, the light leaving his eyes in that way of his whenever he was in battle and needed to put his feelings aside. ’Understood?’ It was like a military command. Like she’d just pulled rank on him or something.
Celes frowned and kept walking, keeping her eyes straight ahead. Something was wrong.
They reached the line of food and wine booths without any incident. They were set up at the edge of the hedgerows right outside the entrance to the nature path, and they were quite busy. There were benches and picnic tables and chairs with umbrellas. The whole place had been lit in blue and violet lantern light, and it gave off an almost ethereal glow against the topiaries. Celes drifted into a line that was about six couples long. They inched forward slowly.
Say something. Celes glanced at him and then looked up quickly at the sky. It was a beautiful night. The skies sparkled like diamonds against a cloudless sea of black space. The moon was about three quarters full. With someone else, maybe it would have felt romantic. Instead, it felt somehow cold.
”Caius…” The next couple left the counter, giggling to themselves. The queue shifted forward. Celes shifted with it.
”You know I care about you. We’re friends, after all.” A few birds twittered above her in a palm tree. The crickets gave a slow and pulsating hum. She wound and unwound the edge of her hip scarf around her finger.
”I didn’t mean...Well, if I said something wrong…”
Far away, she heard the ocean waves crash distantly against the shore.
Use your own eyes, and see for yourself which side I'm on.
Celes was still tired. And sore. After the disastrous flood, she’d wanted nothing more than to crash in her bed for three days and so she had. She’d hardly left except to scurry for food and sip some water every now and then. There were things to do, she knew. Plenty of things now that their work was behind and their base had been hit by a typhoon. Still, she was more than happy to put all of that aside to indulge her basest instincts and just rest.
Celes hadn’t wanted to get up that day. She hadn’t wanted to put on her usual yellow pants and jacket, and her feet still protested every step in her boots. She was tempted to blame Caius for this, but she’d been the one to agree to the idea, hadn’t she? She’d agreed when she’d been half-asleep and still in shock, but the point still stood.
She had an oath to uphold. And that oath was to talk over drinks.
And so they walked together, quiet at first as they breathed the humid air. It was cooler than usual -- likely a product of the storm blowing through. Everything had changed after the storm. That’s what it felt like, anyway.
”Do you have a preference for a place?” Caius asked after a lengthy silence. ”I know a few, but if you’ve got somewhere you’re comfortable at, I don’t mind.”
”Oh. I don’t, really.” Celes pushed a strand of her hair behind her ear. She wasn’t wearing her bandanna to keep it in place. She missed it a little. ”Those kinds of places aren’t really my thing. Not that I haven’t been there before, but…” It was all back home. Back in that ruined, war-torn world where she’d be dragged there by Locke or Setzer or imperial generals before that.
”I think you should pick.”
This was awkward, wasn’t it? Probably. She was too tired to care.
”How have you been? I haven’t seen you since, you know.” The storm. It kept coming back to the storm. ”You’ve been through a lot.”
Use your own eyes, and see for yourself which side I'm on.
Celes laughed. She couldn’t help it, being around someone like Jessie. Normally, she’d be put off by someone who talked so much, but it felt different somehow. It was like Jessie lit a fire wherever she went, and now Celes was caught in it, and she could only be swept along in all the enthusiasm. She wondered if Jessie was ever discouraged or quiet. She must have been, but she couldn’t imagine it.
Maybe when she’d first come here? Celes couldn’t imagine anyone facing that with a positive attitude.
”I think Caius uses magic ammunition?” Celes guessed. She’d never really thought about it before. Maybe she’d ask later. ”I know they have guns like yours in Sonora. Not that I like going there.”
And she hadn’t. Not in over a year, probably. Had it really been that long?
”I can use magic and a sword. And pilot magictech armor, I suppose.” Not that there was any around here. They were a product of the empire, after all. No empire, no magitech. ”I have a friend who would love to take apart a gun like yours. He’s an engineer. He invents all sorts of things. He made an autocrossbow that can fire half a dozen arrows in seconds.”
That seemed rather quaint compared to the kind of technology she’d seen here, but she’d thought it was genius. Even if she’d never told him.
Celes watched as Jessie considered all the different swords. Maybe Celes should have helped guide her in what would work best for her. Then again, that would have taken extra effort. Jessie seemed familiar enough with them to pick out a two-handed longsword for herself. It was lightweight which was good. Celes laughed.
”Everyone makes beginner mistakes,” she said. ”I used to be a general in the military. I know all about teaching.” Not that she’d really worked the job for long. She’d been eighteen at the time she’d left, after all. Though that had given her enough time to conquer a city.
Celes swallowed that memory back. It had been a source of pride at the time. Now it was only shameful.
Celes found a training sword of her own and tested its weight in her hands. It wasn’t her usual runic sword, but its blade was dull which made it perfect for training. Or training other soldiers at least. While Celes had enough control to keep her partner from harm, she couldn’t account for said partner stumbling directly into the sharp side of her blade. At least she also knew enough healing magic to keep them alive.
”Well, let’s get to it,” Celes said with a dry smile. She walked out to the center of the hard, ready to instruct her on the basics first before starting a very easy spar. It was all up to Jessie how long they went. Celes had all day.
I can't tell if she's being brutal or forgiving lol
I've met someone who can accept me for who I am.
’This is fine,’ Celes thought, still smiling despite herself. It was a dry smile. The kind that came from nerves being calmed by a swelling wave of disappointment. This was safe. This would be fun. But it wasn’t what she’d wanted, was it? It was like she couldn’t escape the normal, the easy, or Caius in particular. Still, she supposed this wasn’t the worst thing. As long as he didn’t mess up and say something stupid like-
”Well, I guess I’ll consider this a treat to see you this way.”
”Excuse me?”
”Though you’re right. You’re beautiful either way.”
”Um?”
Celes stared at him, not quite sure what she’d heard. A treat? Had he really said that? It was all so audacious that she couldn’t be sure of even her own ears. She was a beautiful treat. Well there was that rage she’d been expecting, only a little behind schedule. Could she blame him for being unwillingly paired with her? No. Could she blame him for starting out of the gate with something like that?
Why yes. Yes she could.
”Hm.” Her lips thinned as he tripped over himself to apologize. You see, he wasn’t flirting. He was just speaking his mind. And his mind, it turned out, though she was a beautiful treat. Why had she ever thought this might go well?
It seemed the cruelest thing to let him continue. So she did. She let the silence speak for her as he tumbled ass backwards over himself to set everything right. She let him look horrified before he finally cleared his throat and worked up the courage to pull something from behind his back. She eyed it skeptically.
It was wrapped in paper and not immediately easy to recognize. But she would have recognized it anywhere no matter how well-wrapped it was. It was a single red rose.
Damn it.
”Well. I guess I won’t have to buy one now.” Damn it, he’d bought it because she’d listed she liked roses, hadn’t he? How dare he be nice. And charming and thoughtful after what he’d said? How was she supposed to be mad at him now?
Celes rolled her eyes. ”Come on. They have drinks. Let’s use some of the free gil at least.” She started off without waiting for him, carefully angling her cape behind her so she didn’t step on it. Her heels weren’t as stable as her normal boots, and the path wasn’t exactly even. She felt a lot more delicate than she’d have liked to have been around Caius. And more vulnerable.
A beautiful treat, I mean really.
”Ground rules,” she said. ”We’re just here to have fun, alright? This isn’t a real date. I mean, you and me?” She sighed. There was that disappointment again. ”Neither of us wanted it to be like this. Not that I’m not happy to see you, but…”
But she’d wanted something else. She’d wanted to meet a strong, beautiful man who said all the right things and maybe had a sense of humor and she wouldn’t have to try with him at all because he just got her heart fluttering just the right way. Caius wasn’t like that. Well, he was strong, but that wasn’t enough, really.
”We’re friends. And we work together. So enough about me being beautiful, alright?”
